No sooner do I try to change then old demons and discouragements start their unending monologues in my ear: it's too hard, you're too tired, I don't want to take my meds, what I planned doesn't sound good any more, just accept it- you'll always be this big. As the week wore on, the voices got louder and depression got worse. Prayers were a waste and everything around me reminded me about what I didn't have and that it was my fault. I felt embarrassed for ever posting last week about my good intentions and wished I could go back in time and erase them.
I am a person who has struggled with depression her whole life. I've struggled with weight my whole life, too. The two are inextricably connected for me...so far. With the craziness of returning to school, I have stopped taking my morning meds, which include my anti-depressant. I don't know why I let myself cycle like this. Don't I learn from the past the darkness at comes when I'm off of them; how difficult it is to see the good without them? That being said, today I got a long nap in and talked to my mom- two sure-fire anti-depressants in my world. Then talking with Paul, I re-centered, we sang our nightly hymn, read scriptures, prayed, and all seemed to mellow and re-align a bit. I could recognize the bright spots.
Bright spot- I ate breakfast every day this week. The little grab-and-go egg/mushroom/red pepper/cheese things are delicious and work for my morning schedule. I made them again this evening, so Paul and I are set for the week.
Bright spot- despite my back-to-school lethargy, Pippin and I walked many mornings together, and a couple of afternoons.
Realizations- I'm not ready to eat my bean salad. I only ate it once this week. I need to find a different solution to lunch time.
As I start week two, I need to find ways to silence the inner critic and change the things I believe about myself.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
First Day of School- Day One
Ok- here's the run-down for today.
5:45 walk with Pippin? Check. 1.22 miles
Morning meds? Check
Egg breakfast thingies? Check
Water Intake? Nine glasses
Nut bar snack mid morning? Check
Healthy lunch? Check.
Apple and nut snack in the afternoon? Check
Shorter walk with Pip when I got home ? Check
End of will power and energy? Sigh. Kinda check.
Other afternoon snacks: 6 pieces of licorice, two peanut butter and honey sandwiches, 1/2 cup of cashews. Had two large servings of chicken broccoli casserole for dinner with two pieces of bread and butter.
That afternoon time when I'm tired and have access to food is the kicker for me.
So those are my ups and downs for the day. Tomorrow I gird up my loins and try again.
5:45 walk with Pippin? Check. 1.22 miles
Morning meds? Check
Egg breakfast thingies? Check
Water Intake? Nine glasses
Nut bar snack mid morning? Check
Healthy lunch? Check.
Apple and nut snack in the afternoon? Check
Shorter walk with Pip when I got home ? Check
End of will power and energy? Sigh. Kinda check.
Other afternoon snacks: 6 pieces of licorice, two peanut butter and honey sandwiches, 1/2 cup of cashews. Had two large servings of chicken broccoli casserole for dinner with two pieces of bread and butter.
That afternoon time when I'm tired and have access to food is the kicker for me.
So those are my ups and downs for the day. Tomorrow I gird up my loins and try again.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Reboot
Well, here I am once again...starting over. I had some great conversations lately with some wonderful friends and I felt the seeds of motivation stirring again. Movement is difficult for me and I'm wearing the biggest clothes I've ever worn. However, I have family and friends who are supportive and am facing one of the best work schedules I've had in many, many years. I think I can do this.
So here's my plan.
1. Prepare my breakfasts and lunches ahead of time. Today, I made little egg-based things in muffin tins with ham, mushrooms, red pepper, and cheese in them. They're all in ziplock baggies ready to be grabbed quickly, heated for a minute, and then they're good to go. Made enough for Paul and I for the week, and I'll add a banana to mine. For lunch, when I was on track, I ate this awesome bean salad with red peppers, avocado, corn, tomato, red onion, lime zest & juice, cilantro in it. It sounds good again to me, so I made up a batch and have it divided into six servings, so I can have four and Paul can try it if he'd like to.
2. Bring healthy snacks for in-between breakfast and lunch and lunch and dinner. Morning- this awesome snack bar that is all natural foods and no sugars that I love. For afternoon, an apple and an ounce of nuts.
3. Dinners we have planned out and won't be tempted to just stop for fast food.
4. Water, water, water. I have a fantastic new water mug that I love that will be my new companion. It holds 32 ounces, but I like ice in there, so I'll have to figure out some way of measuring my water intake.
So that's it for the food part of things. I'm not counting calories yet. I'm just trying to keep my body fueled, and to prepare ahead of time to take care of myself.
Ok- now for activity. Like I said before, movement isn't the easiest for me, but I do have good, supportive shoes and I like walking. My plan is to take Pip for a walk in the morning right when I get up and take him for another one immediately when I get home. I've been doing walks with home, but not normally twice a day. I'd like to get a fitbit or garmin or something of that nature towards the end of the week so I can start setting step goals. Any suggestions there would be awesome.
So these are my baby steps for this first week. I'll return and report on Sunday to let you know how they've gone. I have specific numerical long-term goals for my weight, but will post those later when I'm ready. In the meantime, I think I've prepared myself to succeed for this first week back. I'm in a good place mentally and am ready to try again.
So here's my plan.
1. Prepare my breakfasts and lunches ahead of time. Today, I made little egg-based things in muffin tins with ham, mushrooms, red pepper, and cheese in them. They're all in ziplock baggies ready to be grabbed quickly, heated for a minute, and then they're good to go. Made enough for Paul and I for the week, and I'll add a banana to mine. For lunch, when I was on track, I ate this awesome bean salad with red peppers, avocado, corn, tomato, red onion, lime zest & juice, cilantro in it. It sounds good again to me, so I made up a batch and have it divided into six servings, so I can have four and Paul can try it if he'd like to.
2. Bring healthy snacks for in-between breakfast and lunch and lunch and dinner. Morning- this awesome snack bar that is all natural foods and no sugars that I love. For afternoon, an apple and an ounce of nuts.
3. Dinners we have planned out and won't be tempted to just stop for fast food.
4. Water, water, water. I have a fantastic new water mug that I love that will be my new companion. It holds 32 ounces, but I like ice in there, so I'll have to figure out some way of measuring my water intake.
So that's it for the food part of things. I'm not counting calories yet. I'm just trying to keep my body fueled, and to prepare ahead of time to take care of myself.
Ok- now for activity. Like I said before, movement isn't the easiest for me, but I do have good, supportive shoes and I like walking. My plan is to take Pip for a walk in the morning right when I get up and take him for another one immediately when I get home. I've been doing walks with home, but not normally twice a day. I'd like to get a fitbit or garmin or something of that nature towards the end of the week so I can start setting step goals. Any suggestions there would be awesome.
So these are my baby steps for this first week. I'll return and report on Sunday to let you know how they've gone. I have specific numerical long-term goals for my weight, but will post those later when I'm ready. In the meantime, I think I've prepared myself to succeed for this first week back. I'm in a good place mentally and am ready to try again.
Monday, January 13, 2014
2014- Week 2- Monday
While this week has not been perfect, I've made some good progress. I've replaces my non-existent or catch-as-catch-can meals with my healthy ones from before. I've been getting my small meals in during the days of the week and have usually had healthy freezer/crockpot meals at night. I worked out three times and have started wearing my pedometer again.
I'm pulling out of the point system. I'm just not there yet, though those are great goals that I'm going to continue to try to hit.
Here are my goals for this week:
1. 3-4 workouts
2. 8,000 steps/day
3. Continuing with my morning snack of almonds, lunch bean salad, apple/string cheese afternoon snack, and crockpot dinner. Breakfasts have been usually a couple slices of whole wheat toast with organic peanut butter. I also found a recipe for cottage cheese with strawberries and grapenuts that was really good, too.
4. This sounds silly, but stop making brownies in a mug and don't buy any more sweets. This last week, I was craving sweets and because I didn't have any in the house, I started making a brownie in a mug. Needless to say, it's been awesome and awful for me. I need to get sugar out of my system, not find a way to make a decadent dessert in five minutes with the ingredients I will always have here in the house.
Onward and upward!
I'm pulling out of the point system. I'm just not there yet, though those are great goals that I'm going to continue to try to hit.
Here are my goals for this week:
1. 3-4 workouts
2. 8,000 steps/day
3. Continuing with my morning snack of almonds, lunch bean salad, apple/string cheese afternoon snack, and crockpot dinner. Breakfasts have been usually a couple slices of whole wheat toast with organic peanut butter. I also found a recipe for cottage cheese with strawberries and grapenuts that was really good, too.
4. This sounds silly, but stop making brownies in a mug and don't buy any more sweets. This last week, I was craving sweets and because I didn't have any in the house, I started making a brownie in a mug. Needless to say, it's been awesome and awful for me. I need to get sugar out of my system, not find a way to make a decadent dessert in five minutes with the ingredients I will always have here in the house.
Onward and upward!
Monday, January 6, 2014
2014- Week 1- Monday
Well, here I am after a vacation, Thanksgiving, and a Christmas season. I have made some great memories and had wonderful experiences. I think, though, that I worked out twice- maybe three times in the last month and a half, and I know that healthy eating was not a priority for me. My body is now letting me know in no uncertain terms that things need to change. This past week, I've been able to do some preparing. I didn't want to start working out again the same week I started back to school, so last week I got in to the gym three times. I'm glad I did because my body was pretty sore and tired afterward. I made a meal plan for this week, but didn't get to the store for all of it, so I'll need to put everything into place by shopping after work today and then putting together the freezer meals tonight. Also, a friend of mine is doing an accountability healthy-kick start activity. You try to get 15 points/day by meeting certain health goals that you set. Then each week you report back to her and she sends out your progress to the group. Here is what my chart looks like and where I'm focusing over the next 10 weeks.
With church on the later schedule now from 1-4, yesterday when I got home, I ate, talked to mom, and then took a hot bath and read. I was in bed by 7:30. It was awesome. I think this later schedule where I don't get in a Sunday nap will really help me get to bed early and be ready for the week. This morning, I got up at 4:30, took Pippin for a walk, ate a healthier breakfast than I have been eating (2 egg omelette with 1 oz. cheese, tomato, yellow bell pepper; the rest of the yellow bell pepper, and 2 pieces of whole wheat toast with light butter), drank 2 cups of water, walked to Curves for my coaching session, and am ready for the day. My steps are already at 2,621 and it's only 6:30. All in all, a good start.
With church on the later schedule now from 1-4, yesterday when I got home, I ate, talked to mom, and then took a hot bath and read. I was in bed by 7:30. It was awesome. I think this later schedule where I don't get in a Sunday nap will really help me get to bed early and be ready for the week. This morning, I got up at 4:30, took Pippin for a walk, ate a healthier breakfast than I have been eating (2 egg omelette with 1 oz. cheese, tomato, yellow bell pepper; the rest of the yellow bell pepper, and 2 pieces of whole wheat toast with light butter), drank 2 cups of water, walked to Curves for my coaching session, and am ready for the day. My steps are already at 2,621 and it's only 6:30. All in all, a good start.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Week Twelve Friday
Well, today happened.
Breakfast: usual oatmeal/raisin/almond mix.
Then I fell asleep and woke up 10 minutes before Paul and I were leaving for the movies. I was going to finish that other chicken breast and the veggies from last night, but instead I ate a bucket of kettle corn and a hot dog at the movie theatre. Then, after Paul and I went shopping, we stopped at Starbucks for a peppermint hot chocolate.
Afternoon snack: string cheese, 2 pieces bread and butter
Dinner: 6 oz. chicken breast, 2 cups zucchini/squash veggie mix.
Snack at the game: a bag of almonds, dried cranberries, and sunflowers.
When I got home from the football game, I did another one of my rebellious hot chocolates again, but without the caramels this time.
I need to try harder tomorrow.
Oh- I did get my workout in at 5:45 this morning even if it was my day off.
Steps: 8,301
Breakfast: usual oatmeal/raisin/almond mix.
Then I fell asleep and woke up 10 minutes before Paul and I were leaving for the movies. I was going to finish that other chicken breast and the veggies from last night, but instead I ate a bucket of kettle corn and a hot dog at the movie theatre. Then, after Paul and I went shopping, we stopped at Starbucks for a peppermint hot chocolate.
Afternoon snack: string cheese, 2 pieces bread and butter
Dinner: 6 oz. chicken breast, 2 cups zucchini/squash veggie mix.
Snack at the game: a bag of almonds, dried cranberries, and sunflowers.
When I got home from the football game, I did another one of my rebellious hot chocolates again, but without the caramels this time.
I need to try harder tomorrow.
Oh- I did get my workout in at 5:45 this morning even if it was my day off.
Steps: 8,301
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Week Twelve Thursday
Breakfast- 2/3 C oatmeal, 1/4 cup raisins, 1 oz. almonds, cinnamon & nutmeg
Lunch: Chili with 4 saltines
Afternoon snack: 1 light string cheese, 20 peanuts
Dinner: 6 oz. chicken breast with parmesean cheese, 2 cups yummy zucchini/summer squash/ and other yummy seasonings and veggies and cheeses, 2 pieces light wheat bread with butter
Drink cheat: 12 oz. hot chocolate with 2 squares of chocolate and 2 caramels in it.
Steps: 7,839
I was thinking about my eating habits, and realized I was hardly getting any veggies in. Good for me in vitamins and good for me in filling me up. Tonight when I finished with my chicken and veggies and hot chocolate, I didn't want anything else. I was full and satisfied. Yay. :o)
Lunch: Chili with 4 saltines
Afternoon snack: 1 light string cheese, 20 peanuts
Dinner: 6 oz. chicken breast with parmesean cheese, 2 cups yummy zucchini/summer squash/ and other yummy seasonings and veggies and cheeses, 2 pieces light wheat bread with butter
Drink cheat: 12 oz. hot chocolate with 2 squares of chocolate and 2 caramels in it.
Steps: 7,839
I was thinking about my eating habits, and realized I was hardly getting any veggies in. Good for me in vitamins and good for me in filling me up. Tonight when I finished with my chicken and veggies and hot chocolate, I didn't want anything else. I was full and satisfied. Yay. :o)
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