No sooner do I try to change then old demons and discouragements start their unending monologues in my ear: it's too hard, you're too tired, I don't want to take my meds, what I planned doesn't sound good any more, just accept it- you'll always be this big. As the week wore on, the voices got louder and depression got worse. Prayers were a waste and everything around me reminded me about what I didn't have and that it was my fault. I felt embarrassed for ever posting last week about my good intentions and wished I could go back in time and erase them.
I am a person who has struggled with depression her whole life. I've struggled with weight my whole life, too. The two are inextricably connected for me...so far. With the craziness of returning to school, I have stopped taking my morning meds, which include my anti-depressant. I don't know why I let myself cycle like this. Don't I learn from the past the darkness at comes when I'm off of them; how difficult it is to see the good without them? That being said, today I got a long nap in and talked to my mom- two sure-fire anti-depressants in my world. Then talking with Paul, I re-centered, we sang our nightly hymn, read scriptures, prayed, and all seemed to mellow and re-align a bit. I could recognize the bright spots.
Bright spot- I ate breakfast every day this week. The little grab-and-go egg/mushroom/red pepper/cheese things are delicious and work for my morning schedule. I made them again this evening, so Paul and I are set for the week.
Bright spot- despite my back-to-school lethargy, Pippin and I walked many mornings together, and a couple of afternoons.
Realizations- I'm not ready to eat my bean salad. I only ate it once this week. I need to find a different solution to lunch time.
As I start week two, I need to find ways to silence the inner critic and change the things I believe about myself.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
First Day of School- Day One
Ok- here's the run-down for today.
5:45 walk with Pippin? Check. 1.22 miles
Morning meds? Check
Egg breakfast thingies? Check
Water Intake? Nine glasses
Nut bar snack mid morning? Check
Healthy lunch? Check.
Apple and nut snack in the afternoon? Check
Shorter walk with Pip when I got home ? Check
End of will power and energy? Sigh. Kinda check.
Other afternoon snacks: 6 pieces of licorice, two peanut butter and honey sandwiches, 1/2 cup of cashews. Had two large servings of chicken broccoli casserole for dinner with two pieces of bread and butter.
That afternoon time when I'm tired and have access to food is the kicker for me.
So those are my ups and downs for the day. Tomorrow I gird up my loins and try again.
5:45 walk with Pippin? Check. 1.22 miles
Morning meds? Check
Egg breakfast thingies? Check
Water Intake? Nine glasses
Nut bar snack mid morning? Check
Healthy lunch? Check.
Apple and nut snack in the afternoon? Check
Shorter walk with Pip when I got home ? Check
End of will power and energy? Sigh. Kinda check.
Other afternoon snacks: 6 pieces of licorice, two peanut butter and honey sandwiches, 1/2 cup of cashews. Had two large servings of chicken broccoli casserole for dinner with two pieces of bread and butter.
That afternoon time when I'm tired and have access to food is the kicker for me.
So those are my ups and downs for the day. Tomorrow I gird up my loins and try again.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Reboot
Well, here I am once again...starting over. I had some great conversations lately with some wonderful friends and I felt the seeds of motivation stirring again. Movement is difficult for me and I'm wearing the biggest clothes I've ever worn. However, I have family and friends who are supportive and am facing one of the best work schedules I've had in many, many years. I think I can do this.
So here's my plan.
1. Prepare my breakfasts and lunches ahead of time. Today, I made little egg-based things in muffin tins with ham, mushrooms, red pepper, and cheese in them. They're all in ziplock baggies ready to be grabbed quickly, heated for a minute, and then they're good to go. Made enough for Paul and I for the week, and I'll add a banana to mine. For lunch, when I was on track, I ate this awesome bean salad with red peppers, avocado, corn, tomato, red onion, lime zest & juice, cilantro in it. It sounds good again to me, so I made up a batch and have it divided into six servings, so I can have four and Paul can try it if he'd like to.
2. Bring healthy snacks for in-between breakfast and lunch and lunch and dinner. Morning- this awesome snack bar that is all natural foods and no sugars that I love. For afternoon, an apple and an ounce of nuts.
3. Dinners we have planned out and won't be tempted to just stop for fast food.
4. Water, water, water. I have a fantastic new water mug that I love that will be my new companion. It holds 32 ounces, but I like ice in there, so I'll have to figure out some way of measuring my water intake.
So that's it for the food part of things. I'm not counting calories yet. I'm just trying to keep my body fueled, and to prepare ahead of time to take care of myself.
Ok- now for activity. Like I said before, movement isn't the easiest for me, but I do have good, supportive shoes and I like walking. My plan is to take Pip for a walk in the morning right when I get up and take him for another one immediately when I get home. I've been doing walks with home, but not normally twice a day. I'd like to get a fitbit or garmin or something of that nature towards the end of the week so I can start setting step goals. Any suggestions there would be awesome.
So these are my baby steps for this first week. I'll return and report on Sunday to let you know how they've gone. I have specific numerical long-term goals for my weight, but will post those later when I'm ready. In the meantime, I think I've prepared myself to succeed for this first week back. I'm in a good place mentally and am ready to try again.
So here's my plan.
1. Prepare my breakfasts and lunches ahead of time. Today, I made little egg-based things in muffin tins with ham, mushrooms, red pepper, and cheese in them. They're all in ziplock baggies ready to be grabbed quickly, heated for a minute, and then they're good to go. Made enough for Paul and I for the week, and I'll add a banana to mine. For lunch, when I was on track, I ate this awesome bean salad with red peppers, avocado, corn, tomato, red onion, lime zest & juice, cilantro in it. It sounds good again to me, so I made up a batch and have it divided into six servings, so I can have four and Paul can try it if he'd like to.
2. Bring healthy snacks for in-between breakfast and lunch and lunch and dinner. Morning- this awesome snack bar that is all natural foods and no sugars that I love. For afternoon, an apple and an ounce of nuts.
3. Dinners we have planned out and won't be tempted to just stop for fast food.
4. Water, water, water. I have a fantastic new water mug that I love that will be my new companion. It holds 32 ounces, but I like ice in there, so I'll have to figure out some way of measuring my water intake.
So that's it for the food part of things. I'm not counting calories yet. I'm just trying to keep my body fueled, and to prepare ahead of time to take care of myself.
Ok- now for activity. Like I said before, movement isn't the easiest for me, but I do have good, supportive shoes and I like walking. My plan is to take Pip for a walk in the morning right when I get up and take him for another one immediately when I get home. I've been doing walks with home, but not normally twice a day. I'd like to get a fitbit or garmin or something of that nature towards the end of the week so I can start setting step goals. Any suggestions there would be awesome.
So these are my baby steps for this first week. I'll return and report on Sunday to let you know how they've gone. I have specific numerical long-term goals for my weight, but will post those later when I'm ready. In the meantime, I think I've prepared myself to succeed for this first week back. I'm in a good place mentally and am ready to try again.
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