No sooner do I try to change then old demons and discouragements start their unending monologues in my ear: it's too hard, you're too tired, I don't want to take my meds, what I planned doesn't sound good any more, just accept it- you'll always be this big. As the week wore on, the voices got louder and depression got worse. Prayers were a waste and everything around me reminded me about what I didn't have and that it was my fault. I felt embarrassed for ever posting last week about my good intentions and wished I could go back in time and erase them.
I am a person who has struggled with depression her whole life. I've struggled with weight my whole life, too. The two are inextricably connected for me...so far. With the craziness of returning to school, I have stopped taking my morning meds, which include my anti-depressant. I don't know why I let myself cycle like this. Don't I learn from the past the darkness at comes when I'm off of them; how difficult it is to see the good without them? That being said, today I got a long nap in and talked to my mom- two sure-fire anti-depressants in my world. Then talking with Paul, I re-centered, we sang our nightly hymn, read scriptures, prayed, and all seemed to mellow and re-align a bit. I could recognize the bright spots.
Bright spot- I ate breakfast every day this week. The little grab-and-go egg/mushroom/red pepper/cheese things are delicious and work for my morning schedule. I made them again this evening, so Paul and I are set for the week.
Bright spot- despite my back-to-school lethargy, Pippin and I walked many mornings together, and a couple of afternoons.
Realizations- I'm not ready to eat my bean salad. I only ate it once this week. I need to find a different solution to lunch time.
As I start week two, I need to find ways to silence the inner critic and change the things I believe about myself.
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